To: Faculty and Staff, Cornell University
From: Williams G. Philpot, Dean of Students
Re: Benton Baxter Agricultural College
President Henry Jacobs, Provost Anthony Iula and Executive
Vice President of Finance and Administration Jane Coward have distributed
letters to the community describing the overall strategic plan for dealing with
our current, highly sensitive, student body matter. I am writing to more fully
explain the anticipated impact for the faculty and staff.
As most of you are aware our university has long held the
complicated distinction of having the highest student suicide rate in the
United States. We have all worked tirelessly over the past ten years to adjust
school policy in the hope of curbing this unsettling fact. Now, however, new
evidence has come to light and the ground is shifting beneath our feet.
Reports indicate that this past semester Benton Baxter
Agricultural College (This is an actual school. Not a prank) overtook us, Cornell
University, for first place with seven student
suicides against our five. While we remain committed to improving our
understanding of student needs, and mental health generally, we now have to
revisit certain attitudes and policies.
Student suicides, while tragic, are often viewed as evidence
of the challenging, competitive, academic environment many parents wish for their children to experience. To put the matter bluntly - this is a business. Our
suicide rate has always been, albeit quietly, something of a marketing tool.
Parents want to know they’re not plunking down thirty thousand dollars a year
to have their kids hanging out in the rec center shooting pool and having
abortions. Vice President Coward in administrations will tell you, some of the
Asian parents ask how many suicides we had the previous year before they say
hello.
Our goal is the very tricky, but essential, dance of keeping
student suicides as low as possible without falling out of first place in the
national standings. For ten years now this is exactly what had been happening.
Everyone was happy. Now, out of the blue, Benton Baxter Agricultural College
has seven kids drink turpentine because they couldn’t get their tractors
started and now we’ve got Asian and American parents alike thinking “Hey, they
must be doing something right down at Benton Baxter!”
I know you all dread seeing these memos in your inboxes
because they invariably mean we’re going to ask you to do more work. Not this
time. For once we’re asking that you to do a little less. We’d like to start
teaching some “What Not to Notice” type signs.
How seriously should I take it if a student threatens to commit suicide? Not very. Sometimes, honestly, most times - kids are joking. Humor is edgy and ironic today. “I have nothing to live for I wish I were dead” is like the “Where’s the Beef?” of the 1980’s. Remember that? Ten times every class kids would be shouting Where’s the Beef? back then. No more. Everything is dark now. Flow with the times.
Is it bad to tell female students that they seem to be gaining weight? Not if you really think they are. Obesity is a problem. The notorious “freshman fifteen” is cute saying and all, but lets be honest, “freshman fifty” is more like it. Some of our girls leave here looking like Larry Holmes. We’re educators. There’s nothing wrong with educating your students in cold reality of the “guys don’t make passes at girls with fat asses” principle. In the end they’ll thank you.
Is it OK to repeatedly make fun of the way a foreign student talks in front of the class? Only if you actually have something funny to say about it. Or if you’re particularly good at funny accents. Nothing gratuitous. No yelling – Hey go back to Surinam, Bombito! No one knows what the fuck you’re talking about! Actually, I just laughed out loud at the thought of that. Maybe it is OK. I don’t know. Your call.
What should I do if I suspect a female student may have been the victim of sexual assault? Blame her. I barely even have to walk you through the drill with this one: You were wearing jeans and sweater? On a Tuesday? Yeah, I guess you can call the police if you want…
If a student dies mysteriously or goes missing, is it OK to write a fake suicide note in order that the University will get credit for the suicide? Obviously, not really. The last thing we need is to start writing suicide notes for ‘missing’ kids who are actually just up in Montreal getting lap dances for the weekend. These kids have families. And one thing we know about families – they sue. I’m 99.99% percent inflexible on this – NO WRITING FAKE SUICIDE NOTES! Unless you do it and happen to get away with it in which case, you have my word, we won’t be bringing in Scotland Yard to try and figure out what actually happed. But if you get caught you’re fired. No question.
These are the just a few of ideas we’ve been kicking around
on the administrative end. As always your thoughts and opinions are welcomed
and highly valued. Lets keep the pop quizzes coming, keep telling kids their futures hinge on every breath they take, and keep making
Cornell one of the world’s finest institutions of higher learning!
Williams G. Philpot,
Dean of Students
